Enraged Amish Rebels stormed the Astounding Pictures Studio early Thursday morning, sources say. The invasion was perceived as a social visit by station manager, Harold Whinestein, until Universe McCready, attorney for the People’s Republic of Amish, delivered a cease and desist order demanding cessation of actor Lord Byron’s use of the trademark Amish Beard in the series, Duck Dollas in the 21st Century.
Artist's rendition of Thursday's altercation at Astounding Pictures Studio.
“God f@#kin dammit,” exclaimed Lord Byron, in a predictably profane response to the affront to his trendy, twenty-something look. He subsequently punched approximately forty Amish into a soupy pulp. Charges were dropped when authorities noticed how strangely queer the situation was.
“I think this is just the Amish’s way of drawing attention to themselves,” said Sheriff Bertrand D. Freddy, II. ”When you wake up day after day in a world devoid of anything but milking cows and baking bread and dressing exactly the same as your neighbor and your neighbor’s neighbor, you kind of forget that the world is a wonderful place, despite some folks’ annoying notion that God hates everybody, while simultaneously loving everybody… I don’t understand it. Do you?”
Harold Whinestein reacted with outrage, screaming to the Amish offenders, “How dare you! So help me, if you don’t get out of this studio immediately, I’ll personally corrupt your sons and daughters with gifts of mobile phones and iPods!”
The terrified Amish made themselves unavailable for comment, as a group of Somali Pirates skidded alongside their carriage shouting, “Heave to and prepare to be boarded.”
